loss mom – Sunshine in Grey

The Darkness

It is very important to me to provide information about SIDS, what I have discovered and share current research. My hope is that other loss moms have found my blog and are gaining some comfort or insights from my posts. I was reading through my blog posts and started to get worried that I wasn’t expressing how I really feel on my day-to-day. Being a mom who has lost her child is on my mind everyday from the second I wake-up until I lay my head to sleep at night and sometimes into my dreams. Focusing on hope, love and community helps me get through each day. I feel like it is important for me to share some of the real darkness I have felt. I’m sharing this because I get comfort knowing that other moms experience similar pain, grief is so lonely and not easy to talk about. Yes– I get up and take care of myself, go to work, make dinner, care for my home, spend time with friends, smile and laugh. My inner struggle, my darkness, I keep secret– scared of sharing my true feelings and emotions with others.

Several months after the shock of losing Grey settled in I put a lot of thought into taking my own life. How could I go on? My pain was immense. I had a few freeway road rage incidents where I didn’t care if the end result was me driving into a wall. I researched how to take my own life, what pills could I take, could I poison myself? Can I sit in my car in the garage? Would someone do it for me when I was out walking the dog? I got my husband’s gun and held it in my hands and wondered where I would pull the trigger. I thought I was being slick and hiding these thoughts until my husband asked me if I was going to hurt myself. I reassured him that I wouldn’t but, honestly, I was scared that I might.

I haven’t touched Grey’s room. His dirty clothes are still in the hamper – his 6 and 12 month outfits hanging in the closet. His room still smells like a baby and I feel his presence when I go in there. Sometimes, I go in and rock in the chair and smell his clothes and think of him in my arms. I sleep with his favorite baby blanket and look for it in the night to make sure that it is covering me or that I am touching it in some way.

Grey’s urn is on my nightstand.

I imagine sometimes that he is with us. When I am relaxing outside I imagine him playing near me. When we go places or do fun things I always wish he was with us. I cried for 4 hours on a road trip awhile back – used to crying in private, I couldn’t hide my tears and pain from Stacy. Why did this happen?? My Dad had been battling cancer for a few years and passed away just 5 months after Grey. Still deeply mourning my son, I could’t separate my grief, I imagined him with me at the hospital. I envisioned him sitting on the hospital bed with his grandpa, bringing us light at a dark time.

When I am working and I start to cry at my desk I try to make my way to the bathroom unnoticed. I cry in the stall and learned to lean my head over my knees and let my tears drop down to the floor. I often cry in my car, it is the only place that I am really alone with my thoughts. I have screamed at the top of my lungs driving down the street because sometimes crying isn’t enough.

I see other moms who have had babies since losing Grey and I can barely contain my tears– oftentimes avoiding an interaction at all costs. It takes a lot of effort and planning to be around babies and kids that are the same age as Grey. I could not attend my nieces 5th birthday this year – I sat in the parking lot of the pizza parlor sobbing uncontrollably and trying to convince myself I was strong enough to go inside.

I feel sorry for myself, a lot.

I had to stop social media for a significant amount of time. I currently use it–cautiously. I had to unfollow some friends and even block a few. I have had pregnancy and birth announcements put me out for an entire day. I also had to quit HGTV (and a few other shows I used to watch) – one family had a particularly cute pregnancy announcement at the end of their segment and I ended up having to take the next day off of work. Media is extremely triggering.

I am truly happy for you –just so very sad for myself.

Today marks one week from Grey’s second angelversary, I can’t believe it has been two years. It feels like yesterday and also like a thousand years ago….a happy dream or another life. I will say that each day has gotten better but the emptiness I feel without him will always be heavy on my heart.

I want to end today’s post with a quote I found in the Guardian:

“Compassion literally means to suffer alongside. The greatest gift we can give the bereaved, with the loneliness that accompanies loss, is to not run away”

Taking pictures in the afternoon light ~March 6, 2017~

365 days

It has been a year since we have been serious about getting pregnant. One morning, a month or so after Grey had passed we were driving to breakfast and Stacy asked me if I was crying the night before as we were laying in bed to sleep, “yes” I replied. A few moments later he said,

“So, are we going to have another baby or what?”

Yes! Yes, so much yes I cried. I had been wanting to talk to him about having another child but I felt like a crazy lady, like- give yourself some time. But also, in the back of my mind, thinking about my age and the reality that we should get started right away – another child would help to heal our aching hearts and fill my empty arms. Nothing became more important to me than giving our Grey a sibling. It was the strangest thing going back to trying to conceive mode, removing my IUD, tracking my cycle in my fertility app, taking prenatal and restarting acupuncture. My acupuncturist gave me a lot of hope, she said I was riding on a wave of hormones that would be good for getting pregnant again. I went back to see the doctor that delivered Grey to make sure that getting pregnant again would be safe and had my blood drawn to check my hormone levels. I wanted to recreate everything I was doing that I believed helped me conceive Grey; eating healthy, fertility smoothies, exercising, having a positive mindset (that one was very tough) even down to the scent I wore and music I listened to (reggae). Looking back, it was a good distraction and gave me something to focus on other than my grief.

Supplements, tests, acupuncture OH MY – TTC is fun!

Towards the end of August last year I started to get worried about our success in having a baby. I was constantly online reading about TTC over 40 and implemented every bit of baby making voodoo I thought could possibly help us. I decided to make an appointment with a fertility clinic to see what they had to say about our chances. When I was driving to my first appointment I got to the off ramp to the clinic and instantly started crying, I couldn’t control it. I entered the facility and let me tell you, my visit with them didn’t help the tears, in fact, when I left it felt like they pushed me off a cliff and yelled, “good luck ya old hag” after me. It was the worst. But, still we decided to follow through with treatment. I read that one can improve egg health in 90 days by eating right and taking an array of supplements. So, for the following 90 days (and subsequent days) I have pretty much been a pillar of health, full of supplements, alcohol free and caffeine limited. I wanted to make sure that if we were going to go through with IVF that I was giving myself the best possible chance by being as healthy as possible. We still tried on our own every month but it just wasn’t working out for us, it was devastating. We started our first, and only, IVF cycle in January 2018.

I am not going to sugar coat it- our IVF cycle was a complete disaster. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve which is terrible for any woman and awful if you are over forty. My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) suggested protocol was a mini IVF where I take less medication than a traditional IVF cycle because she predicted that I would produce the same amount of follicles on less medication as I would if I took traditional IVF medications. OK I thought, I am going to trust in the process and go with what my RE suggests. At my follicle scan I had 3 – two good-sized ones and a third smaller follicle. At my second scan the third follicle had not gotten to the size she wanted and she suggested that we flip to an IUI. I told her that I wanted to discuss with Stacy and I would get back to her. When I called her back she said that I should go in for a third scan the next morning to see what growth we got from the follicle over night. When I went in that next morning I told the nurse that I didn’t want to do the scan and I was OK with flipping to an IUI. She said we should just take a look at my follicles and see where they were at and wouldn’t ya know – the third follicle got to the size they were hoping for to move forward with an IVF cycle. I am going to stop and say – this really makes me mad, IVF is a big deal and very expensive. When you are under the age of 40 they give you package deals – some even let you pay in advance for a guarantee that you will take home a baby. If you are over 40 you get no deals, you have to pay full price for everything. Each decision that is made has to be a good one and this was not the right choice.

When we went in for our egg retrieval the RE sat next to me and said, “We can get 3, 2, 1 or 0 eggs today.” Um, excuse me – where does zero eggs come from?! Not getting any eggs was never discussed as a possibility prior to the retreival. She then said it was weird that my 3rd follicle got to the right size. What?! In my mind I thought that I was there for a reason and told myself that we will get a good result. The doc then asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to while they put me under, reggae of course, Bob Marley. When I woke up I saw Stacy sitting next to me and the first thing I asked was how many eggs we got.

One.

We retrieved one egg, I was devastated and immediately started crying. You want as many eggs as possible and I just couldn’t believe we went through all of that for one chance. Stacy was so wonderful and positive, he did his best to make me see the good in what we had. The next day they called us to say that our egg fertilized with no issues and that they would call us in 3 days and let us know if the embryo survived and divided enough to transfer back to me. On day 3 our egg divided to a 5 cell embryo and they said that we should transfer it back to me. We went in for the procedure and when we left they called me “PUPO” – pregnant until proven otherwise.

Blowing kisses to my 3 follicles, our one embryo, the dreaded two-week wait.

You are then sent on your way and they tell you to take a pregnancy test in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS! Guys, that is like forever when you think you might be pregnant but yet, still have to wait to see if you are. If you know me – you know that IVF did not work for us. Two weeks later I took a home pregnancy test and it couldn’t have been more negative. We were crushed.

I tried to look at the positive things that we learned while we were thinking about what we would do moving forward.

I have eggs
Our egg fertilized on its own
Stacy has super sperm
All my other hormones and levels are normal

We had enough money saved to complete 3 IUI cycles and decided to go that route. When April rolled around we had made it past the anniversary of losing Grey and I just prayed and asked God to please help us, haven’t I suffered enough? I pleaded. I am ready, my heart is open and I am so ready to be a mommy again.

Getting real serious about timing, more follicles, hope and prayers.

After 3 failed IUI and 2 medicated timed intercourse cycles I just couldn’t let it go. Does my body really have some sort of internal clock that knows that I turned 40 and it is now somehow impossible to have a baby? I got pregnant naturally at 39.8 years old, why can’t I get pregnant again?! I researched on the internet and found that my fallopian tubes could have been damaged during my c-section so I asked my RE to give me a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG test to check if my tubes are clear. We discovered that my right fallopian tube is completely blocked. I mean, seriously….WHY WASN’T THAT TEST ORDERED MONTHS AGO? I had to take that day off of work to come to terms with the results of the test, because…my right ovary is my super producer. During one of my cycles I had 4 follicles on the right another time I had three and another I had two. For two of my cycles I had nothing on the left side and others, just one. All of that time and energy spent and I feel like it was for nothing. I know we would have made different decisions if we had this knowledge months and months ago. With our finances dwindling, continuing with treatments does not feel like it will get us our baby and it is time to move on to other options.

Stacy and I had already started looking at other options on how to bring a child into our lives. I must admit that I am coming to terms with the fact that my biology will likely not be in the equation and that is hard, it’s just very hard. But then I think of all the things I have been waiting to do with my child, sometimes my heart feels like it will burst with the love that I have to share. I know that whatever is decided we will be ok as soon as that little soul enters our lives.

I would love to connect or hear from other moms that have taken alternate routes to parenthood, please leave me a comment or send a message.

You made me the happiest mama in all the land, I love you ~March 4, 2017~

Grief

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”
— Washington Irving

I woke up the other day and as I was laying in bed I was thinking, if I don’t start my period today I will take a pregnancy test, Stacy and I have been trying to conceive for 13 months. We had been getting fertility treatments (more on that process later) and I decided to take a month off, to give my body some time away from the medications. Maybe I will be one of those stories– the woman who gets pregnant after fertility treatments stop?! Maybe it will be like when I found out I was pregnant with Grey, no real symptoms, just not starting my cycle and hoping pregnancy was the reason?! I thought–don’t get too excited. I went to the bathroom and there it was, old aunt flo. Damn, damn, damn! I laid back in bed and I thought that I don’t have to cry about it, I have been through this before. But, yeah – that didn’t happen.

I spent most of the day crying and wondering why? Why won’t my body give me another baby? Having trouble conceiving after loss adds another layer of intense grief to my every day pain. At first, I was so hopeful that we were going to give Grey a sibling. But, as time continues to pass and my time away from Grey gets longer and longer, I am often filled with fear and sadness. We are still trying, I am not ready to give up, but now we are also exploring other options on how to expand our family.

I think about everything that I am missing out on, pretty much daily. My son should be 19 months old– walking, taking, growing, eating, laughing, falling and playing with his cousins and friends. I should be going on playdates, taking a gazillion pictures and planning fun things for us to do. We should be lounging at the lake or hanging out at home with the dogs. I should be a over-worked, exhausted and happy mom. Grey was supposed to bring me closer to people. Lately, I feel so far away from everyone and very, very lonely. I get nervous going out into the world, scared to meet a stranger who may ask me if I have any children. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I am not strong enough to ask about or to spend time with the kiddos who are the same age as Grey. Not that I have not been around children, I work with families, I see babies and children every day. I just dreamt so much about my future with Grey and his friends and their mama’s – I am still working through that loss as well.

I think back onto the person that I used to be; happy, fun, a party planner, a positive person, someone who was there for her friends and family. Another loss mom and I were having a conversation about our grief and she said, “it makes you feel so selfish.” Whammo! Yes! She was so right and I felt relief when she said that. It is in my nature to be a giver and, right now, I just don’t have it in me. It is okay to be protective of myself and my emotions. Still, I mourn be the old me, I want to go back to when it was us and Grey and the future. Time feels like it is standing still for me while everyone around me is growing and moving and living.

I wonder sometimes what it is like to be someone who shares their truth more? I admire some of the loss mom’s out there that can share their feelings on social media regularly. Would it make me feel better if I was more like that? I likely can’t change how I share my truth and how often I do it, maybe that will change as time goes on. This blogs helps as it is important to talk about infant/child loss no matter how heavy it feels. Right now, I take things day by day and acknowledge little successes. The way I feel now won’t be the way I feel forever, will it? I think about a future and try to imagine it being happy.

Be brave

Be courageous

Focus on hope

Mother’s Day

I woke up on Mother’s Day this year and I thought to myself, it’s just another day, it’s just another day, it is just another day without my son and my heart aches the same. I waited so long to be a mom on Mother’s Day. Last year would have been my first and I was planning and thinking about it months in advance – even thinking about it when I was pregnant. I always felt like a mom, in fact, I called myself mom 2 when I was a teenager because I helped my mom so much with my younger siblings, the older ones too. Heck, I even mothered my own mom – being a nurturer feels normal and right to me. Am I not a mom anymore that my child is no longer on this earth? It is very hard to understand what is right or how to acknowledge a loss mom on this day. Saying “Happy Mother’s Day” may not feel right – I get it, I totally understand. I so appreciated those that did say those words to me or let me know that they were thinking of me. My son is not with me but, by not saying anything at all, it feels like he never existed. I was a mom. I am a mom.

So what did I do on Mother’s Day? I looked at photos and videos of my son, I talked to him and told him how much I love and miss him. I prayed that my parents are keeping an eye on Grey and loving him in Heaven. I prayed for a sibling for Grey. My husband and I talked about adoption and looked at some websites –more on our trying to conceive journey in later posts. I got in touch with mom’s I admire and love and told them happy Mother’s Day, I spent time with my family. I looked at select social media posts and found strength from other loss mom’s, their courage and hope is so up-lifting. One article that I found spoke directly to my soul, “Like many things in a grieving mother’s life, Mother’s Day is bittersweet to the nth degree. On one hand, I feel immense joy because I was blessed with my child and I feel gratitude for every moment I was given with [him]. On the other hand, the pain of missing my child – my greatest happiness, my life’s purpose, and my best friend – is intense.” You can read the full post at whatsyourgrief.com, A Mother’s Chorus: Grieving a Child on Mother’s Day. From one loss mom to another, to those who long to be a mom, to those who’s mom is no longer with us, I stand with you. I am sending you so much love, courage and strength.