I loved my doctor, she was so warm and caring. She knelt down by my bed and I looked at her and said, “he so perfect, I want another.”
Grey’s scheduled birth day was December 20th, it was awesome knowing that he would celebrate his first Christmas with us that year. The day before I worked a half day, at lunch I said goodbye to my co-workers and headed home. I took the dog to the dog park and a woman came up to me, “When is the baby due?” she asked. “Tomorrow!” I said happily. We laughed and she hugged me and told me that was the first time she has gotten a response like that, it was a cute moment that we shared. Later that night I took a ton of selfies, my last few hours with the “bump.”
We woke up early the next day as we were scheduled to be at the hospital at 6 AM. I was getting ready and I heard Stacy downstairs and he seemed to be in distress. I walked down to the basement and saw what he was upset about, water. Our basement was flooded. Stacy found the problem, the sprinkler line burst. Good thing that we found the leak before leaving for the hospital as we knew we would be staying a couple of nights. After cleaning up we headed for the hospital, so ready to meet our son.
We went in to the OR, the nurse who gave me my epidural was so sweet and I remember her having the kindest eyes. I asked her to please get it in one try as the nurses earlier took about 4 tries to get my IV started. It was so amazing how quick everything went, after I was numb the doctor’s got started and next thing I knew I heard our son crying. They quickly showed him to us and then cut the cord and handed him to the nurse. I heard her say, “I need to hear another cry” which made me instantly worried. I asked if he was OK and then he cried again and she put him on my chest. What an incredible feeling. I know babies are born every day but when it is yours, it is just that much more magical.
The doctor’s worked to get me put back together and they discovered I had a small placenta accreta, this happens when the placenta attaches to the uterine wall. It can be a very serious medical condition that could result in an hysterectomy. So thankful that it was small and manageable but it took longer than expected to get us out of the OR, I think we were in there for over 2 hours. We stayed on the delivery floor that night to make sure that everything was going ok with my recovery. The next day they moved us to another floor and my doctor came to visit us. I was holding Grey when she came in, it was very early, still dark out. I loved my doctor, she was so warm and caring. She knelt down by my bed and I looked at her and said, “he so perfect, I want another.” I was 40 when I gave birth to Grey and I just wondered why did I wait so long?! I was so, so happy–the experience, the magic, the gift of life. We stayed one more night at the hospital and then headed home to enjoy the holiday with our son.
Stacy and I went to Maui in March 2016 for my aunt’s wedding. Neither of us had been there before and a vacation was so needed. I was working two jobs, my full time job in social work and weekends at a busy restaurant. I was working more at the restaurant to make extra money for our vacation and let me tell you, the stress level was high! When we landed in Maui we needed a few days to decompress and then the real relaxation began. We loved exploring the Island, the food, the beach and time with family. My aunt’s wedding was beyond beautiful, mesmerizing. We felt so lucky to be there. They had a wish sharing moment with the guests, here is what we read when we walked into the wedding….
I thought that was such a cute idea, my wish was for us to become parents. I wrote “to have a baby” on a beautiful piece of paper, wrapped in around a stone and tied with with red twine. All of the wedding guests threw our wishes into the ocean together and continued to have a wonderful night. When we got home I was on a vacation “high” I felt relaxed and calm and very happy for the following several weeks. We didn’t conceive while in Maui but I was not deterred. I decided to see an acupuncturist on recommendation from my aunt’s wife. On my first visit the acupuncturist said, “I’ll get you pregnant in 3 months!” Well, I don’t know if it was her, our vacation, or simply the right timing but I got pregnant the night of my first visit to the acupuncturist. On May Day I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, I couldn’t believe it! All the stars were aligned and my wish was finally realized. I had the absolute best pregnancy, I felt amazing, received so much love from my husband, family and friends. I remember I would laugh and laugh when I was pregnant and I would think, “this is so good for my baby.” I also loved sharing our conception story, I imagined Grey getting so sick of me telling everyone about it. My pregnancy did have some complications, gestational diabetes and full placenta previa which meant, no labor. When I got the news I couldn’t have a vaginal birth I was so disappointed, but you know, pregnancy is not something that can be planned. What is most important is that mom and baby are safe and healthy, once I realized that the planned c-section, while still scary, was greatly anticipated.
“I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye, that was the trouble; I wanted to kiss you goodnight. And there’s a lot of difference.” Ernest Hemingway
Hi my name is Sasha, I live in the Great Pacific Northwest with my husband, Stacy, our 2 dogs and our beautiful angel baby, Grey. We had 87 magical days with our son before he was taken from us by the mystery of SIDS on March 17th, 2017. The days and months since his passing have been the most challenging times I have ever experienced. I get asked sometimes, “How do you do it?” or “I couldn’t imagine,” and honestly, I agree! I can’t imagine and I don’t know. I think about the love I have for my son and it simultaneously fills me with incredible joy and crushing sadness. One thing I know for sure, I am so thankful for my support system; my husband, family, friends and co-workers. I am thankful for the other SIDS mom’s I have met and the internet, really, the internet! Reading other families stories, seeing normal people affected by SIDS and how they are coping makes this journey a little less isolating. This blog is my way of honoring my son and his beautiful time with us, because really, all I want to do is talk about him everyday. I want him to be proud of me. Sharing his story and my journey feels right, no matter how terrified I am to do it.