Mother’s Day

I woke up on Mother’s Day this year and I thought to myself, it’s just another day, it’s just another day, it is just another day without my son and my heart aches the same. I waited so long to be a mom on Mother’s Day. Last year would have been my first and I was planning and thinking about it months in advance – even thinking about it when I was pregnant. I always felt like a mom, in fact, I called myself mom 2 when I was a teenager because I helped my mom so much with my younger siblings, the older ones too. Heck, I even mothered my own mom – being a nurturer feels normal and right to me. Am I not a mom anymore that my child is no longer on this earth? It is very hard to understand what is right or how to acknowledge a loss mom on this day. Saying “Happy Mother’s Day” may not feel right – I get it, I totally understand. I so appreciated those that did say those words to me or let me know that they were thinking of me. My son is not with me but, by not saying anything at all, it feels like he never existed. I was a mom. I am a mom.

So what did I do on Mother’s Day? I looked at photos and videos of my son, I talked to him and told him how much I love and miss him. I prayed that my parents are keeping an eye on Grey and loving him in Heaven. I prayed for a sibling for Grey. My husband and I talked about adoption and looked at some websites –more on our trying to conceive journey in later posts.  I got in touch with mom’s I admire and love and told them happy Mother’s Day, I spent time with my family. I looked at select social media posts and found strength from other loss mom’s, their courage and hope is so up-lifting. One article that I found spoke directly to my soul, “Like many things in a grieving mother’s life, Mother’s Day is bittersweet to the nth degree. On one hand, I feel immense joy because I was blessed with my child and I feel gratitude for every moment I was given with [him]. On the other hand, the pain of missing my child – my greatest happiness, my life’s purpose, and my best friend – is intense.” You can read the full post at whatsyourgrief.com, A Mother’s Chorus: Grieving a Child on Mother’s Day. From one loss mom to another, to those who long to be a mom, to those who’s mom is no longer with us, I stand with you. I am sending you so much love, courage and strength.